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Conversations With Leather - Hardy Haberman

By January 30, 2016



By Jaco Lourens

1. For those who don’t know you, please tell us about yourself and what your titles are.

First the easy part: As far as titles are concerned, all mine have been given to me as honorary titles.

1999 Man of the Year from National Leather Association International

2007 Lifetime Achievement Award from National Leather Association International

2010 Recipient of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force Leather Leadership Award

2012 Presidents Award - Pantheon of Leather

Now the hard part: I am a native Texan and have been active in the LGBT community since the early 1970's. I became fascinated with Leather in the late 1970's and stepped into my first Leather bar sometime around 1978. Since that fateful day I have continued on my Leather journey and am a former member of the Dallas Motorcycle Club, Leather Rose Society, National Leather Association, Discipline Corps and a founding member of Inquisition Dallas.

I have written many articles on Leather/BDSM topics and am the author of four books currently in circulation including Family Jewels, a Guide to Male Genitorture and Torment and Soul of a Second Skin-Memoirs of a Gay Christian Leatherman.

I have also directed a few films on Leather/BDSM subjects including Leather, a short film-poem about the gay male Leather experience and Out of the Darkness, the Reality of SM, a documentary on the critical difference between SM and abuse.

Professionally I am a Marketing Specialist and I live in Dallas with my boy/partner of 18 years Patrick and our feline mistress, Elvira.

2.What or who got you started in the Leather community and for how long?

What drew me to Leather was the hyper-masculinity of it. I never considered myself feminine nor was I attracted to feminine men. Leather just pushed all the right buttons for me and once I got involved I fund that I really liked rough sex and SM.

The community, as such, didn't really exist when I came in, but the subsequent AIDS crisis pulled us together and gave us a real sense of purpose. We, in Dallas, started educating our community to the many ways sex could be hot and kinky and still be safer-sex.

3. Which club or bar are you affiliated with and tell us more about the history?

Currently I am a member of NLA: Dallas and Discipline Corps. NLA: Dallas is a pansexual organization with a mission to educate and network Leather/Fetish/BDSMfolk of all sexual orientations and genders.

Discipline Corps is a men-only social and play group whose primary focus is monthly dungeon parties and having a good time!

When I go to a bar it is the Dallas Eagle, our local Leather bar, though I am not officially affiliated with it, the owners, Mark Frasier and Jeffery Payne are close friends of mine.

4. How did you enjoy being one of the judges at IML XXX5 and what were your favorite moments?

Judging at IML was an amazing experience. I was worn out form the long days, but energized by the great men I met during the experience. I knew most of the judges before the contest, though I did make new friends since a couple of the judges were new faces to me. We all bonded immediately and the contestants were all outstanding. The final choice was very hard, since any of the Top 20 could have easily been a wonderful IML.

My favorite moments were getting to meet so many folks from outside the US, and the South African delegation was a particular joy.

5. Tell us about your charity involvement and goals.

As far as charity work I have several. My contributions to my church, Cathedral of Hope, are an ongoing passion of mine. We even have a full pew of Leather folk wearing their colors every Sunday. I also work with Kiva, a micro loan organization that funds small businesses and individuals across the world.

I serve as Chairman of the Board for the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Alliance in Washington, DC and work raising funds to support it and its many programs.

6. Tell us about your Leather family.

My Leather family is small, just me and my boy/partner. My extended Leather family is larger. About 8-10 close friends who I think of as family. Beyond that I have a large circle of friends who I have met at events and contests all over the continent and they too, are like family. I consider them my Leather cousins.

7.Who is the most influential person in your life and why?

I have to say my father. He taught me a lot as far as values and how to treat other people. He was authentic and honest and I try to emulate that. He loved his work and his family. He was intellectually curious and being a scientist, he never stopped learning, and that is something I think I got from him.

8. In your mind, what’s the biggest misconception of the Leather community?

The biggest misconception I see about the Leather community is that we are some sort of homogenous group with a written code of conduct and values. No such thing. We are as varied as the general population, except for our love of kink and Leather. As a whole I have found our community does communicate more than the average vanilla folk, and I attribute that to the fellowship of our organizations and to the need for communication when we play.

9. What would you say are the most important strengths to have as a Leather man?

Honesty, authenticity and a good bull-shit detector.

10.What does Leather mean to you?

I could prattle on about this topic forever but I would sound like I was doing a canned speech for a title contest. In reality, Leather means as many different things as there are people involved in it. Some simply are drawn to the fetish. Leather clothes and gear are sensual, organic and arousing. Some are drawn to the BDSM aspect of it. That was part of my attraction.

Leatherfolk, the energetic and intense encounters that SM play offers. I went into it thinking I would be a "grey Hankie" guy. Only into bondage and light SM but quickly realized that bondage was really not very interesting to me and more hard-core SM was my thing. Changed my hankie to black and never looked back.

11. What do you see for the future of Leather in your community and internationally?

It is in a state of flux. Leather always changes, as sexual pioneers we are on the edges of what is possible physically and sexually and so there will always be something different and new. I see a disturbing trend to try to turn back the clock and relive the glory days of Leather in the 1970's, but surprisingly the people who are trying to do that are predominately straight. They have adopted the Leatherman look as though it was a codified uniform and remind me of "Renfair" folks, donning period costumes and role playing at Leather.

12. What does sexual freedom mean to you?

As someone who came of age in the late 1960's sexual freedom means being able to define my sexuality on my own terms - eing able to enjoy consensual activities with other adults and not have to conform to any rigid rules. I have begun to think of myself more as "Queer" than gay, not because I do not have an affectional orientation toward men, but because I enjoy playing with anyone so long as we click and our goals are the same. Sexual freedom is a basic human right; it is up to us to define it and express it and celebrate it.

13. Whats your view on the huge anti-gay wave that is happening in certain states in America? What do you think people can do to protect their rights and help others retain it?

What you mentioned as the "anti-gay wave" sweeping parts of the country is not a massive display of anti-gay sentiment in my opinion. It is the last gasp of the hard core bigoted right. Their attitudes are dying out. Public opinion polls show most Americans believe in equality for LGBT citizens. What these anti-gay laws are is an attempt by the right to change the framing of the issue from "equality" to "religious freedom" or as I call it the freedom to hate.

All of these attempt have failed and even in far-right leaning states like Arizona. Even there the Governor recognized it's not a religious freedom issue; it is equal rights. The laws are clumsily crafted and over reaching to begin with and would not withstand judicial scrutiny, so I have to believe its just politics and its not working.

14. We all have so many issues we want to highlight, please tell us what cause is close to your heart right now and how are you involved?

The issue closest to my heart is the cause of sexual freedom. I believe sexual freedom is a fundamental human right and as such it needs to be protected and nourished. To that end, I work with the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Alliance, a human rights group with the focus on sexual freedom. In fact, I am chairperson of the board. That's how involved I am and how important it is.

We work to affect policy concerning sex education, freedom of speech, sex workers and gender and sexual inequality. It's a great organization that has made a real difference for our country. Woodhull holds the gender and sexuality seat on the US Human Rights Network, the group which monitors our country's adherence to the UN Declaration of Human Rights.

15. What advice can you give a future titleholder?

Be authentic, approachable and honest. Bull-shitters stick out like sore thumbs. The titleholders I know and admire are all down-to-earth folks who try to use their titles to benefit the community not themselves.

16. Tell us what your favorite piece of Leather is and why?

Other than my hat, my favorite piece of Leather is my flogger. It was made by Janet Heartwood and designed to fit me perfectly. The falls are longer than most folks like, but they balance perfectly with the handle and the flogger becomes an extension of my body when I play. I have several floggers and all were custom made for me. I believe if you invest in quality your toys will live as long as you do.

17. In your own words, can you tell us the difference between BDSM and Leather?

Hard to say. I used to think of them as the same, but apparently there are folk who see a big distinction. Leather does not imply SM, it can simply be a fetish. It is also a different kind of community and that is what sets it apart nowadays. To some folks Leather can only be gay men and BDSM is pansexual. There is another word that is loaded with nuance. Pansexual was a word coined by the Leather community to describe its inclusion of all sexual orientations, but has been co-opted by the straight community to mean "heterosexual" sexual orientation with some lesbians thrown in for spice. If I sound cynical, that's because I have seen this in practice. Play spaces where two women playing together was acceptable if they were playing in ways that the men enjoyed, but men playing together got stares and snide comments.

Personally I don't have problems playing in the newly-defined "pansexual" spaces, I think a Leather person can define their own Leather-space and create a scene wherever it works.

18. Please tell us exactly what is beyond vanilla and what are your favorite activities you indulge in?

I would think anything that goes beyond plain sex would qualify as beyond vanilla. Spankings, role play, bondage, SM all of it moves beyond vanilla for me. My favorite activities are floggings and clothespins and CBT, but most often these are woven into some kind of erotic experience. I think all SM is better with an element of Eros. It doesn't have to be penetrative sex, but without a sexual aspect it has less appeal for me.

19. What’s the funniest safe word that you have heard?

Then comes the safe word. I have heard lots of strange ones from "aardvark" to "Pontiac." Personally, I like this system. I tell my bottom or sub to call me "Sir" as long as he or she is having fun, and to call me "Hardy" if they need to talk. It keeps the communication going and has never failed me.

20. What’s your favorite drink? And if you could invent a cocktail for the Leather community, what would you call it?

Well I stopped drinking in 1986 so my favorite drink is sparkling mineral water. My drink for the community would be just that, mineral water with a chaser of mouthwash, cause I love kissing and detest bad breath!

21. We would love to have you visit South Africa in the future, what classes do you think we could benefit from?

I do a lot of classes, but my favorites are a workshop I call "Putting Sex Back in SM." The pansexual dungeons in the US are notoriously tepid when it comes to palpable eroticism. Many do not allow sexual activities for legal reasons and some just are uncomfortable with sex. This workshop is intended to put that spark of the erotic back into the play in the dungeon and discusses and demonstrates how scenes can become erotic encounters with no "traditional sex" happening.

My "Family Jewels" workshop is always fun, concentrating on CBT and how it can become part of a scene. I explain the use of toys, safety and exploration of various aspects of genitorture.

I have a complete list of classes I present I can provide you.

22. In conclusion, anything you would like to add to this interview for the Leather community of South Africa?

I would add that the leather community in South Africa seems to be vibrant and growing and I encourage you to continue to explore, share what you learn and nurture the next generation of Leatherfolk. To them you will become the "Old Guard" and with that is the heavy responsibility of knowing you are setting an example for future generations. Play hard, play safe, have fun!